Recently, I have been doing a lot of self evaluation and reflection. I began reading the book “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. I think it has been the most challenging book I have ever read just after the Bible itself. After reading his chapter about “lukewarm” Christians, I felt the need to step back and examine my relationship with the Creator more closely. It has been extremely difficult to be honest with myself, and even more difficult to be honest with my friends and peers.
I feel stuck in a place of being “lukewarm.” Somewhere along the way, I started becoming extremely self-conscious about my faith, or rather the appearance of my faith. My relationship with my Heavenly Father started to become about how others perceived my relationship with Him, instead of what HE perceived of my relationship with Him. I’m not really sure when or why I began to struggle with these feelings, but it has been a harsh reality to open my eyes to. I have really been going through the motions lately. It has been challenging for me to really connect during worship. I am always too busy thinking about how my singing sounds, not what I am saying. When I catch myself and try to refocus, it feels too forced. It’s incredibly frustrating because worship has always been where I feel and see God most tangibly. The other side effect of my lukewarm attitude has been the lack of inspiration for me in my writing. Over the last year I learned that it was extremely fulfilling to me to be able to glorify God in my writing, but more specifically in my poetry. I would wait for those still, quiet moments with God and He would whisper sweet inspiration and creativity into my ear. I would then take those beautiful, God given thoughts, and process them into poetry. I felt so in tune with Him. Lately I have been trying to force God into my writing and it has all been mediocre at best, so I stopped writing for now.
I’m not sure what my solution will be, and I’m really not sure why I decided to share these thoughts so publicly, but I do know that I am absolutely dying to get back to the feet of Jesus. I am desperate to get back to my roots, and to feel the loving touch of my Father. Now that I have processed all over you, I ask you for a few simple things; pray for me, encourage me, but most importantly, continue to challenge me.